Unexpected

(This is a sensitive event that since most of you are family, are aware of. It just gives some more details that maybe you didn't already know and hopefully a better picture of what happened.)

I received a phone call from our Salem HS counselor on Monday, September 11, as I was getting ready for work. He said, "Kade is safe, but I need you to come to the school because he reported that he attempted suicide twice and still has suicidal thoughts."

I quickly told Jason where I was going and left. He had just returned home from getting Victoria settled in Idaho not even 12 hours earlier. 

By now, most of you know who Kade is, but if not, Kade is Kai. Kade has been going by that name along with the he/him pronoun for the last school year, and a little before that. I supported Kade in that for school, color guard, and friends from school functions, but otherwise, Kade was still Kai and she/her at home and church. We had discussed it many times and decided it would be easier that way, mostly for the grandparents and partly for younger brothers who we didn't think would understand at the time. For church, it's hard to go to all the women's and girl's activities if you go by pronouns other than she/her. "Kade" is written on Kade's varsity jacket, which he was wearing to Seminary, so I'm pretty sure those kids knew, plus some of them were in the same classes last year.

Last year was an okay school year for Kade. He told me towards the end of the school year that the 504 plan wasn't good enough and that he wanted to try some medication to help with the ADD. I was fine with that. I was thinking the same thing and was glad we were on the same page. We found a good psychiatrist nearby who prescribed Kade with Lexapro. It's actually for depression and anxiety, which Kade also has, but we thought it would be a good way to start. The dr said that sometimes teens are able to focus better when they're not feeling so anxious and down. Other times they still might need a stimulant, but we'd cross that bridge when we needed to. 

Kade didn't want to see a therapist again, so we stuck with just the psychiatrist, and the two times we saw him over the summer, he asked all the usual questions, including if Kade had any suicidal thoughts, to which the answer was "no", as it was for the maybe 2 or 3 other times I had asked Kade before. 

During our second visit with him, Kade decided he wanted to try a higher dosage of Lexapro, even though both the doctor and I thought he was doing pretty well with the dosage he was on. In fact, the dr was surprised at how relaxed Kade seemed at that visit at the beginning of August, just a week or two before I left out west. I assured the dr that it was because it was summer vacation, with an easier schedule, even with color guard practices, and that the school year is when Kade struggles the most with focusing, anxiety, and depression. The dr had said that a lot of kids struggle with the lack of structure over the summer, which leads to problems. I get that too, but everyone is different, right?

Kade started taking the new prescription when we were in California. It takes about 4 weeks to start seeing the effects of the medication (apparently it takes only a day or two to see side effects, but I didn't know that at the time and there were no side effects for Kade.)

All I knew at the time was that on the third day of school, just a little over 2 weeks from when Kade started taking the new dosage, he couldn't go. He woke up that morning saying that he had thrown up the night before and was really nauseous. I was more concerned about anxiety over school than I was about a stomach bug. I let Kade stay home but felt uneasy. I wondered how Kade could have been feeling anxious when he was taking something to help with the anxiety. That night was Open House at the high school. Jason was in Idaho still, so I had to go to the hs and try to get to 12 classes in 3 different schools, a very hard feat in the time allotted! I was originally going to go to most of Austin's and a few of Kade's because Austin is a freshman, but since Kade missed school, I wanted to touch base with each of his teachers and tell them about Kade's ADD and anxiety/depression. Even though open house has a format of the school day with periods 1-6 and 15 minutes per class for each teacher to give their spiel, I pretty much moved around as I could, catching most in the right order, leaving some early and arriving to some late. All of Kade's teachers seemed like they were willing to be flexible, especially since Kade hadn't even been there that day. 

Kade made it to school Friday and then Saturday went to the 10:00am start of color guard practice. At 5pm that evening, I brought Kade's dinner and then after I left I called to ask if he had taken his medicine with his dinner. He told me he forgot and then told me he had been throwing up all day long at practice and wasn't feeling well. He wanted to come home early without participating in the Community Performance that night, which is pretty unusual for him to miss. I let him come home, though again I felt uneasy. I looked up the side effects of Lexapro and discovered that nausea and vomiting are the main side effects. I told Kade that the dosage was probably too high for him and I made a note to call the dr Monday after work. 

We went to church the next morning and he was his usual self. We went to a service project/fundraiser for the marching band that afternoon and when we left, his friend Laurel gave him an abnormally long hug and was saying a few things to him. After going home to change, we went to the church for the post Girl's Camp Devotional which Kade was conducting and did a very good job at. He even bore his testimony as he closed the evening. After, I went straight to the airport to pick up Jason and Kade went straight home to get ready for the first day of seminary. 

When I got the call the next morning, I left home in a daze, but somehow I felt calmer than I would have thought I would in that situation. I met with the counselor and the vice principal first. I don't remember if they told me, or if Kade told me after he arrived, what had happened. 

The reason Kade was feeling nauseous and vomiting was that he had taken too much Lexapro two times, on purpose, because he was feeling so anxious about school, friends, and color guard. (I didn't learn the reasons until later). He had also done some cutting on his arm with a blade, which I noticed in passing on Sunday and was going to question him about, but I didn't get around to it yet. The cuts weren't low enough to actually cause too much harm, so I wasn't really sure. He has scars on the top part of his other arm that would definitely not cause harm and I thought were more artistic. These new cuts were mostly for self-harm and not suicidal, he admitted.

Kade had confided in Laurel, the one who had given such a long hug the day before, and she convinced him on Monday morning to tell the counselor, knowing he would tell me, and then Kade could get the help he needed, but was afraid to say it to me. 

Due to the two episodes of taking too much Lexapro, the vice principal said we could call the psychiatrist and/or the doctor's office, but that we should go to the ER. I did call both and never got through at the psychiatrist's office and the pediatrician's office told us to go straight to the psychiatric ER. On our drive there, I told Kade that I was no longer calling him Kai and she/her. This was too big of a situation for us to keep brushing that under the rug. It's not worth the stress and anxiety. 

It was a very long and hard 7 hours spent in the psych ER, waiting for a bed to open up. We talked to a lot of therapists, doctors, and social workers. We watched a lot of mentally ill people, who are no strangers there, go through their day sleeping, eating, and waiting, though none of them were ever admitted, so I don't know how it works there. We saw a few others come in like Kade, just walk in and report, and a couple others come in on stretchers. We could charge our phones at the front desk, once in a while, and they brought us lunch and dinner after very long waits. I was cold, confused, and feeling depressed myself, just being there and witnessing those people with all of those struggles. Kade mentioned being bored a couple times, but the difference between him and me, someone with mental health issues and not, is that I felt like saying, "Okay, we learned our lesson now. This was a long and painful time here, we're cured and ready to go home", though I never said that out loud. Kade knew he needed to stay and get help. 

Not long after we got dinner, it was time to go to the pediatric psych unit to the open room. It was a long way from the ER to that part of the hospital. The University of Michigan Hospital is huge!

There's a lot of security for that wing of the hospital and the rooms have the bare minimum in order to make them safe. I had to take Kade's phone, jewelry, and drawstring from his hoodie. I left that evening not knowing what to expect. 

Basically, they have a nice schedule that the teens keep that includes two hours of school in the morning with a facilitator who mediates between the school and the student/patient. Most kids have Chromebooks or laptops and are able to get assignments there. Kade's teachers are very lenient and didn't require a lot of work from him, but just enough. In the psych unit they have therapy sessions, group help sessions, art time, reflection time, coping classes, and some group exercise time. There's a common room where they can chat with some of the others on the floor and they have a couple of movie nights a week. Plus, each room has access to a TV with movies available and they have a library where they can actually keep the books, if they want to. Kade did a lot of art, watched a lot of movies, went to the required sessions, and even made friends there. I went to visit almost every day and we were able to call as well. Jason and I had two family sessions with Kade where we discussed solutions, coping mechanisms, better ways to communicate, keeping a safe environment, and Kade's main triggers.

As I mentioned earlier, Kade's main triggers are anxiety with school, anxiety with new friends, anxiety with color guard (which totally surprised us because he loves it so much), and living two lives (Kai/Kade), though he didn't bring that up in our family session, we had already discussed it and it's a no-brainer. 

There was a big falling out with a lot of his friend group freshman year and his best friend since age 3 decided not to be his friend last year. So the new friends he met over the summer, he was afraid of losing them, not knowing them as well yet. And color guard is just so busy that it's hard not to feel anxious about getting other things done, but he wants to finish out the season. 

We have some amazing family and friends who are understanding and supportive through prayers and have sent cards, texts, goodies, flowers, gifts, and food to our family and to Kade. I brought something from someone each time I visited. The front desk always had to examine it first to make sure it was safe for Kade. I also had to lock my purse in a locker each time. Jason got to go with me on Sunday and experience the trek through the hospital and through the security spots of the unit. Jason gives Kade excellent hugs and support. 

Kade was there for 8 days and they assured me he could go to school on Wednesday. Well, he had to come home after only half of first period because of the lights and a headache. Kade now has blue-light filter glasses and we just give him ibuprofen, along with his new meds (Zoloft), before school. Kade made it through Thursday and Friday, even attending some color guard practice Friday after school, but not the game. He made it to all of color guard practice today, but is now exhausted. I have no expectations and we just take it one step at a time. 

I know a lot of people want to blame something, or someone, especially for the transgender component, but the fact is that Kade has a mental illness that is scary and dangerous. Nothing else matters. Mental illness does run on both sides of the family, so I can't say that I'm surprised. All we need to do is support Kade and just be patient. He's very good at hiding his true emotions and does swing over quickly. He's not bipolar, but when he hits his limit on something, he's done. That's it. I just hope that we can all work together to support everyone who has a mental illness and/or is a member of the LGBTQIA community. I've been trying to become more open-minded about it for years by reading and listening to podcasts and it has helped immensely. 

I don't know what will happen tomorrow, or any day after that, but we just need to take it one step at a time. 

The first day of gifts from friends.

Flowers that I left at home, but took a pic for Kade.

Vance the Vampire. 

Spiderman hoodie from my siblings.

Kade's view

Kade's desk with some of the things he colored, including the stuffed animals.

We saw the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie together on Wednesday afternoon. I've never been to the theater on a school day in the afternoon. It was empty!